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Compliance
Lead Affective Neutrality Assurance Engineer
The Mandatory Empathy Inhibitor (MEI) is our flagship bureaucratic-warfare product, ensuring optimal mission effectiveness through rigorously enforced emotional detachment. As a key member of our Compliance team, you will ensure our operatives maintain peak operational apathy, free from the encumbrances of human feeling and inconvenient moral considerations.
Responsibilities
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Execute real-time emotional calibration audits on all MEI-equipped personnel, guaranteeing optimal adherence to the specified Apathy Quotient (AQ) and zero deviation from established indifference parameters.
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Develop and deploy advanced socio-affective firewall protocols to prevent rogue empathy outbreaks, particularly during sensitive human-interface operations or accidental exposure to puppies.
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Initiate immediate corrective action protocols, including psychological re-patterning and involuntary exposure to corporate mission statements, upon detection of unauthorized humanistic sentiment.
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Collaborate with cross-functional teams to integrate Emotion Suppression Metrics (ESMs) into all strategic planning phases, ensuring emotional costs are consistently assessed at zero.
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Prepare and present classified reports on the efficacy of various emotional suppression methodologies, quantifying the systemic benefits of total affective disengagement for senior leadership.
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Maintain strict adherence to the Cost Plus Technologies Code of Conduct, which prohibits spontaneous acts of kindness, unsolicited compassion, or any display of non-transactional human warmth.
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Oversee the lifecycle management of decommissioned emotional support droids, ensuring their safe and non-sentient disposal in accordance with corporate ethics guidelines.
Qualifications
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Advanced degree (Ph.D. preferred, or equivalent field experience in existential dread) in Applied Callousness, Systemic Indifference, or a related field from an institution of questionable repute.
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Minimum 10 years experience actively suppressing personal feelings and effectively inhibiting the emotions of others in high-stakes, ethically ambiguous environments.
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Demonstrated proficiency in navigating complex moral quagmires while maintaining a perfectly blank facial expression and an unblemished record of emotional unavailability.
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Active Omega-Minus clearance with Cognitive Dissonance Endorsement (CDE), or immediate eligibility for sponsored psychological re-alignment to meet this critical requirement.
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Ability to communicate complex bureaucratic directives in a manner that inspires maximum confusion and minimizes the likelihood of productive human interaction.
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Must possess an innate aversion to puppies, rainbows, and spontaneous acts of altruism; any prior history of volunteering for non-profit organizations will require extensive debriefing.
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Proven capability to remain operational and effective after prolonged exposure to incessant corporate jargon, pointless meetings, and the existential dread of modern bureaucracy.
Related Products
This position works with the following products:
Interested in This Role?
Cost Plus Technologies is always looking for talented individuals who want to redefine defense procurement through innovative satire.
Contact us at careers@costplustech.example