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Operations
Director of Unforeseen Contingency Mitigation & Proactive Kinetic Reallocation
Are you a master of organized chaos? Cost Plus Technologies is seeking a visionary leader to optimize our catastrophic outcomes and streamline the deployment of strategically ambiguous interventions. This role is paramount to ensuring our operations consistently exceed all projected failure metrics while maintaining plausible deniability.
Responsibilities
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Oversee the tactical reallocation of resources, including but not limited to, entire geographic regions and historical timelines, to achieve desired strategic ambiguity.
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Develop and implement proactive kinetic engagement strategies that ensure maximum deterrent effect through minimal traceable evidence.
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Maintain optimal operational readiness for unscheduled extraterrestrial interventions, ensuring all protocols for 'friendly fire' are up-to-date and thoroughly practiced.
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Ensure strict compliance with all intergalactic peace treaties, with particular emphasis on identifying and exploiting their inherent loopholes.
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Streamline the supply chain for non-standard ordinance, unconventional armaments, and reality-bending consumables.
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Conduct post-operational 'lessons learned' debriefs, focusing primarily on identifying scapegoats and refining our proprietary blame-shifting algorithms.
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Collaborate with inter-dimensional partners on synergistic threat mitigation, ensuring all entities involved receive appropriate compensation in speculative futures.
Qualifications
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Minimum 15 years experience in proactive destabilization, existential threat generation, or equivalent temporal displacement expertise.
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Bachelor's degree in Applied Chaos Theory, Quantum Anarchy, or demonstrable mastery of advanced parlor tricks and historical revisionism.
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Ability to operate heavy machinery under extreme duress, including orbital bombardment platforms, intercontinental ballistic paper shredders, and sentient coffee makers.
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Must possess an active security clearance at the Omega-9 level or be willing to undergo immediate existential re-evaluation, including a full personality overwrite.
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Proven track record of thriving in environments characterized by constant flux, imminent peril, and the pervasive scent of burning regulations.
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Strong interpersonal skills, including the ability to negotiate with hostile AI, sentient staplers, and your own past self.
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Fluent in at least three dead languages, one language not yet discovered by terrestrial science, and the nuanced language of bureaucratic obfuscation.
Interested in This Role?
Cost Plus Technologies is always looking for talented individuals who want to redefine defense procurement through innovative satire.
Contact us at careers@costplustech.example