← Back to Careers
Operations
Lead Catastrophic Success Metrics Analyst
Cost Plus Technologies is seeking a dedicated professional to meticulously document and interpret the inevitable operational deviations that define our industry-leading performance. This role is crucial for transforming predicted failures into actionable data points, ensuring our strategic objectives are consistently misaligned with maximum efficiency.
Responsibilities
•
Systematically quantify and categorize all instances of mission creep, scope bloat, and unmitigated fiscal hemorrhage, providing weekly briefings on 'progress'.
•
Develop advanced predictive models for identifying emerging points of failure before they can be effectively contained, thus maximizing surprise factor.
•
Collaborate with interdepartmental 'Damage Amplification' teams to ensure all project outcomes align with predetermined post-mortem narratives.
•
Oversee the strategic re-categorization of 'unforeseen expenditures' into 'critical infrastructure investments' for quarterly reporting cycles.
•
Maintain a comprehensive database of plausible deniability protocols for every phase of project execution, from inception to inevitable de-scoping.
•
Provide expert testimony during internal audits, skillfully navigating the intricate labyrinth of accountability without directly implicating oneself or senior leadership.
•
Regularly interface with external oversight committees, offering compelling statistical evidence that our inefficiencies are, in fact, optimized for future budgetary requests.
Qualifications
•
Bachelor's degree in Applied Paradox, Advanced Circular Reasoning, or a related field; Master's preferred but often indicates excessive independent thought.
•
Minimum 15 years experience in optimizing sub-optimal processes within a highly regulated, intentionally obscure environment.
•
Demonstrated ability to maintain a straight face while presenting utterly unfeasible timelines and budget projections to stakeholders.
•
Proficiency in leveraging archaic spreadsheet software and bespoke, unsupported legacy systems for critical data manipulation.
•
Must possess an innate understanding of the 'Sunk Cost Fallacy' and be prepared to evangelize its strategic benefits.
•
Ability to operate effectively under conditions of extreme ambiguity, conflicting directives, and perpetual existential dread.
•
Successfully completed the Cost Plus Technologies 'Advanced Bureaucratic Obstacle Course' (ABOC) with a score indicating mastery of purposeful delay.
•
Strong written and verbal communication skills, specifically in translating complex operational failures into digestible, politically inert executive summaries.
Interested in This Role?
Cost Plus Technologies is always looking for talented individuals who want to redefine defense procurement through innovative satire.
Contact us at careers@costplustech.example